December 23, 2011

Dear Sweet Pea,

It's been over a month since we found out about you.  I was nauseous and exhausted, but so excited with every passing day.  We told your Grandmas and Grandpas and Aunties about you, and some of our closest friends.  With each passing week we were more and more confident that you were on your way.

On Wednesday, November 23, I went to the doctor to have my pregnancy confirmed.  Then, on Friday, December 9, I went to the OBGYN's office to have blood work done and my medical history noted.  I was worried that so much time had passed with no sign of you, other than those two lines on that little stick, but I took care in knowing that everything seemed and felt fine.

A week or so after that I noticed that my symptoms had gone away...which made me worried.  I felt like my old self again - no nausea or exhaustion.  On Tuesday, December 20, I had my first prenatal appointment.  All of our tests had come back fine -- I was now 11 weeks pregnant with you, and so excited to close in on our first trimester -- when things would be safe.  The doctor took out the doppler to find your heartbeat and we couldn't find it.  But, she said, sometimes it's too early for the heartbeat.  So she looked for you on the ultrasound monitor.  She saw you and pointed to you, but all I saw was a gray shadow :(

Tonight, December 23, was the scariest of my life.  I had gone grocery shopping with my Mommy, and had lunch with your Daddy and his parents.  I was enjoying baking and getting ready for Christmas, but had indulged in lots of sweet treats, so I was drinking lots of water to make up for it to you.  When I went to the restroom, though, I saw lots of red.  I was bleeding.

I called the Medical Advise number and the nurse I spoke to said to go straight to urgent care.  After 3 hours of tests and exams, we're still not sure what's going on.  I think for sure that I've lost you, little one.  There's so much blood!  We saw our first real ultrasound today, and you are only measuring 7 weeks.  But the doctor says he's not sure what's going on.  I could be having a miscarriage, or I could just be bleeding, and you might be ok.  My body is still pregnant, and you might be small because we miscalculated your arrival.  You're still too small to have a heartbeat, so the awful silence I heard on the ultrasound today might actually be normal.

Sweet Pea, right now I'm so confused.  I've been crying non-stop because I feel, in my heart, that you're gone.  But my brain still hangs on to that glimmer of hope that you might be ok.  I truly hope that you are, but at the same time am asking God for strength for my body to get through this safely...and hoping that at least your soul will get to go to Heaven and be with God.  Sweet Pea, if you are still ok, please hang on VERY tightly tonight.  And if you're not ok, then be with God and I'll join you one day and give you the hug I always wanted to.