One Month

Dear Nathaniel,

A year ago I never would have thought that you'd be here. A year ago, my heart was shattered by the loss of another baby, a baby your dad and I never got the chance to meet.  After years of waiting, it was a devastating blow, and I thought we would never have the chance to welcome a child into our lives.

So, when we first found out about you, it was a different pregnancy. I didn't run out and buy the baby books or the journals. I didn't take pictures to document every step of the journey. I thought that, like our first baby, our journey with you would end abruptly. When we lost our baby the first time, I had to go back into the photos and delete everything that I had taken, because it just hurt too much to have that memory. All the presents and books and momentos were a constant reminder of what we had lost. I fully expected for you to disappear, too, and, for the sake of self-preservation, I tried not to get too excited about you.

But, now that you're here, it's time to write down what I can remember, for posterity's sake. You're already a month old and the moments are so fleeting that I'm realizing how quickly I'll forget the precious details of you - details I don't want to forget. Because if there's one thing I've learned. It's that's I don't know how much time we have with you, and I don't want to forget a single second of it.

Love,
Mommy