Stuck in a rut.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm stuck in a very deep rut over my weight. More specifically, my weight and what that means to my mother. Moving out has become an even greater priority for me, if only because it's really becoming painful to stay at home and have my mom criticize. She's crazy. Seriously. She just walked WAY.OVER.THE.LINE. today to the point that I can't even bother to defend her in my head.

It's funny...I was thinking about it today and I don't think I've ever really had a good relationship with my mom. Lately our relationship has been...tolerable. In high school it was insanely bad -- fights and screaming and yelling and crying every day, all day, that didn't let up until I moved out to the dorms for college. Even when I was younger, I remember fighting wiith her and feeling so horrible by the things that she said. My old diaries from that age contained pages upon pages of complaints about my mom. I remember one day, after a particularly rough argument, I wrote "I think I only love my mom because I have to...because she's my mom." And I felt really guilty writing that. Even now, I feel guilty because I think that statement is still true, to some extent.

It makes me think that the deep hurt and anger that I feel about all her crap lately goes much deeper than just what she's saying about my weight. I think it's a testament to our relationship overall and not just her perception of me. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. The things she says....they hurt me very deeply.

It's hard...I guess because I know that what she says to me is true, but I'm just so hurt that she says it so bluntly and at such bad times. I guess it's just that...I already think the worst things about myself...and to have my parents repeat those things, when really they should be the last people on earth to vocalize it...it's very difficult to deal with. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous.

Regardless...I have to get my ass moving and lose a few pounds and shut my momma up!