I have an insatiable appetite.

Now that I've conquered my frozen yogurt cravings, my next craving is

this.


CUPCAKES!!

The Dress Kicked My Ass

So I tried on the wedding dress today. I didn't look as bad as I did the first time I wore it (with all of my fat jiggling out) but still not quite up to par. Damon has obliged to my "eating healthier" mandates and we've discontinued our every-day-of-the-weekend eating out that I'm sure contributed to my calorie overindulgences. But, of course that's not enough. It's like Oprah said today -- it's simple physics. I have to expend more than I put in.

I guess having the dress really is a motivator. So is the fact that my clothes are fitting a bit loser lately. :) So I'm actually starting to exercise some more and keep track of what I eat in one of those cheeeeeezey diet journals. *blech* What I've been reduced to.

I ate a peach today. A real fruit. And I used WEIGHTS. Only 5 pounds but STILL! OMG and I was on my stepper for like, 20 minutes. It's a miracle, really. April, you should be so proud of me :)

I'm so vain -- but I really don't want to have my jiggly bits (as Hollie puts it) wobbling around on my wedding day, gosh darn it!

I'm a goon.

Why am I a goon? Because I was smiling like a dumb butt all the way home from Alfred Angelo today after picking up my dress.

It's soooo much prettier than I remember and I'm so excited to finally have it in my hands! Not so excited to try it on, though -- don't need to see how much weight I need to lose. :(

But I suppose it'll be good for me -- it can serve as inspiration.

I did just eat a peach. *yea* me!

How are you today?

I'm feeling pretty "blah." Don't know why. I couldn't get myself to do anything productive today, although last week I was majorly productive. I just feel fat and slothful. Didn't want to do homework, didn't want to clean, didn't want to do anything. Maybe I was too tired after the weekend?

Woke up early (for the first time in forever) and attended Charity's and Steven's graduations on Friday at USC. Congratulations guys!



Lunch with former roomie Serena and her other half in J-Town afterwards. That was fun. :) Then met up with Damon, hung out and he made me dinner at home. Penne with a cheddar/swiss cheese sauce (i.e. MAC and Cheeseeeeee!), suuuuper yummy broccoli, and smoked sausage. Yummy in my tummy.



Woke up early on Saturday to help volunteer at Children's Day in J-Town. Aaaallll day. But they did a good job so I shouldn't complain. There was a good crowd and I had an okay time, I just wish I could've hung out with someone I knew.

After volunteering I met up with Hollie and we drove down to Kelly's place in Tustin. We had dinner together for the first time in AGES and then I hung out with Kelly and looked at pictures from our "early years" circa 1996. OMG I never realized what a close resemblance I have to Ugly Betty. I cannot believe I was walking out the door in public in some of those get-ups. The horror. Major thanks to Kelly for her hospitality. That was fun :)

Sunday woke up semi-early and went to church with the family. Came back, had breakfast and then went to the grocery store. I took a nap at some point and then woke up to make dinner for my mom (which should've been breakfast but the schedule went awry) -- spinach quiche. My sister made a salad and Damon picked up some broasted chicken on the way over. Lovely dinner. :)

Yup I guess that's why I'm not feeling very energetic today. We'll see how tomorrow goes -- I'm meeting with my BTSA support provider tomorrow and hopefully getting the bulk of my assignments done before my review in June.

How was your weekend?

Life Planning

All this wedding planning, home searching, and consulting with everyone is really starting to bring me down. I never realized how emotional all of this would be -- although I guess it makes sense, seeing as how these are the first really big "adult" decisions I've had to make. Damon and I have had to sit down and have so many serious talks. So much disagreement. And so many tears. All because of these decisions.

I think the most disheartening part of it all is the house-hunting. Or lack thereof. It's funny how even just 6 months ago I thought we were all set to make a smooth transition into being homeowners. And now seeing all of that vaporize into nothing...I suppose I was just too naive to realize what our real status is. I feel like we're so close but all these bumps in the road keep popping up. Dad's losing his job. My credit card company threw my good credit score out the window. Plans fall through. I find myself even regretting decisions I made YEARS ago -- if I hadn't gone to USC, would I be in a house now? If we hadn't gotten engaged...if I hadn't pushed...if if if if if.

And now I'm just regretting a lot of things. Including the wedding. I feel so guilty making plans to spend all this money on a wedding when we've got a down payment to think about. I wish I could take everything back -- all those deposits, the order for the dress, the contracts. I wish I hadn't gone to school. Or at least THAT school. How much could I have saved? How much further would we be if it wasn't for those decisions? And how are the decisions I'm making now going to hurt us in another five, ten years? Am I going to regret this wedding if we have it? Will I regret it if I don't?

I know that we're having a hard time right now because we're meant to be. We're having trouble finding a house because that's God's plan. Right? But I still can't help that I'm jealous -- jealous of all those people who find their money so easily. Who get help without looking for it. Jealous of stupid Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes who bought a 35 MILLION dollar house, just like that and Damon and I are just hoping, praying to get into anything.

Like I said, it's an emotional time right now. And now that I'm on break, there's a lot of time for me to think. And dwell on things. Mull over things.

Someone needs to give me something else to think about or do...