"Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it!"

I was washing my hands in the restroom at work today and I looked up in the mirror and saw not one, but two white hairs gleaming at me as if to say "Look! We're here! We're coming and we're attacking!"

I certainly hope those little hairs are no indication of what the next few months are about to bring. I've just barely completed the first week of the fall semester and I already feel an immsense amount of stress -- to the point that I feel sick. And I know I do it to myself.

Work the last couple of weeks has been inexplicably terrible. I cannot express how worried, miserable, angry, frustrated, nervous, upset, appalled, exhausted and confused I am by the situation that I face there. My mind tells me that I should turn my face and refuse to get involved - but I care so much about that place that I instead take on responsibilities that aren't mine, stress that doesn't belong to me, and worries that others should take on, not me.

School is especially daunting. Three of the syllabi I received this week were over 30 pages long -- and not because of any graphics or wasted space. I already have 4 major projects assigned, and reading assignments that seem to exceed the amount of assignments I had over my entire four years as an undergrad. My professors this semester are incredibly knowledgeable and experienced -- and also incredibly demanding. I feel as if, no matter how hard I've tried, I'm not prepared for the rigor of the program -- here's to praying that I make it.

Today was especially bad -- I felt like my insides were crumbling. There are so many things that I'm fighting inside that frighten and tear at my heart -- but I can't talk about that here. I got to work and, as usual, saw a mountain of work piling up and no one to take it down. So I stayed later and worked. I didn't get home until 7, when Serena's bday dinner was starting. I sprinted to grab my things, "wrap" her present and jump in the car -- only to fight traffic the entire way to the restaurant. I was nervous driving by myself, and, oh so appropriately, I ended up miles away from where I should have been because of my inaccurate directions. I got there late (I'm SO sorry, Serena) and barely made it for dessert and coffee before everyone headed out for a late night movie that, unfortunately I didn't have the energy to go to (sorry again, Serena...).

The only good parts of today: the fact that after the dinner I headed over to the girls' place and used Charity's computer (which she so graciously lent me, thank you Char!) to finish my assignment for Monday. The odd peace I found sitting in my car and crying as I drove across town and back. And, the slight relief that I feel sitting here and typing this all out.

Hollie, Damon, Jason and I are heading out to Hearst Castle this weekend for a short vacation. It will be nice to get away from all of this stress for a day or two, but at the same time, this trip is bringing me a lot of stress -- It's after midnight, we're leaving at 6 a.m., and I still haven't packed or started the homework I meant to do before I left. I think I need to sit out by the ocean tomorrow and just take a deep breath....I need to pull myself together.

fall semester...

Four years ago I had started freshman year of college and I was scared to death. I suddenly realized how dumb I was in comparison to the rest of these private school smarties and I struggled to understand what was going on in class and what people were saying. I remember one night I was so frustrated I just ran into my closet, sat on the floor and cried for about two hours.

Yesterday I got my syllabus for one of my major four unit classes. HOLY COW. I've got four classes, a 2 hour lab, a weekly seminar, and four hours of field work a day. Not to mention work. I don't know how I'm ever going to get through all this. I've got so much reading and assignments to get through...I feel like the four year cycle is just repeating itself over again. Only difference is, now I'm at home and my closet isn't big enough to sit in. :
I pray that I can get through this....

Stolen from SNM...

Things Admissions Never Told You About College:

1. Quarters are gold.
2. Two meals per day is the standard.
3. Road trip whenever possible.
4. You will begin to nap again.
5. Your bookstore bill will almost equal tuition.
6. Instant messenger becomes an addiction.
7. You never realized that so many people were smarter than you.
8. Procrastination is an art form.
9. It never hurt so much to get sick.
10. Care packages are right up there with birthdays.
11. Nothing you want to register for will be open.
12. Classes...the later the better.
13. You are no longer thankful that fire alarms are here to protect you.
14. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires.
15. Showers become less important than sleep.
16. Asleep by 2:30 A.M. is an early night.
17. Creativity in the dining halls is key.
18. The freshman 15 is NOT a myth (or how about freshman 20?)
19. Cereal makes a meal any time of the day.
20. You will eat anywhere there is a buffet.
21. You will eat anything that is free.
22. New additions to food groups: Ramen and pizza.
23. Stealing from the dining halls will become second nature.
24. ATMs are the Devil's advocate. ATM = Another Twenty Missing.
25. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them or lock yourself out of the room.
26. You realize college is the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.

You Know You've Been in College Too Long When..

1. You actually like doing laundry at home.
2. Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
3. Mom's Meatloaf and Potatoes become something you desire, not avoid.
4. Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
5. You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soap operas.
6. You go to sleep when its light and get up when its dark.
7. You live for getting mail.
8. You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
9. Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
10. The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday.

Before I came to college, I wish I had known...

1. That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class, I'd still sleep through it.
2. That I could change so much and barely realize it.
3. That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
4. No matter how "cool" you were in high school, no one here cares.
5. That if you were smart in high school, so what? It doesn't matter here.
6. That I would go to a party the night before a final.
7. That you can know everything and fail a test.
8. That you can know nothing and ace a test.
9. That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.
10. That most of my education would be obtained outside of class.
11. That friendship is more than getting drunk together.
12. That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about.
13. That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
14. That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
15. That friends are what make this place worthwhile.

So true, no....? :)

Summer In Review...

My last 10 days of freedom seemed to melt away all too quickly, but now that I think about it, my summer has been quite eventful. After all, I graduated, went on my week-long cruise to Mexico (fun!), started and completed my first semester of grad school (and still have a 4.0 average!) :), got a dog, moved back home, spent some time with friends (high school and college), ALMOST completely moved into my room (this is definitely still a work in progress), read a couple of books, made a couple of crafts, and finished quite a bit at work....etc. etc.

It's so funny the way that sometimes I feel life just moves too quickly for me to enjoy it, and yet when I really sit down and look back, I really have accomplished quite a bit.

Fall is starting to look really daunting...I didn't know until Steven told me yesterday that full time grad student is considered 8 units? So it's funny to me that I'm taking 5 classes -___- *gah* My daddy keeps telling me to hang in there, it'll all be over soon. And I know he's right, I'm just nervous. Plus I've really been enjoying what carefree days I've had, and I've enjoyed them too much to really want to let them go.

Two more days left, people...let me know if you want to hang out! =D

($__$)

Trip to the bookstore 8/8/05 - $350.00
Trip to the bookstore 8/18/05 - $220.00

WTF....and I still have two more books to buy!!!!!!

>:|

WTF

I don't start school until MONDAY and I've already got homework?!?!?!? This ai'nt cool, yo...

*sniff*

Crap I've already lost three of my ten vacation days!! =X In one week I'll be starting my second semester of grad school. BOooooooooooooooooooooOOOooOOOoooOOOOoooo.......

Although, I had quite an eventful weekend:

- Friday: work. But then dinner with Damy at home and playing with Charlie and watching Back to the Future 2. (I don't have to see the third one, babie :P)

- Saturday: Meeting with Mr. Steve, who did wonders with Charlie even in the 1 hour we saw him. Rushing back home and getting ready for the bonfire. Having the bonfire (Tre fun!), and then impromptu Korea-town Coffee/boba run. :)

- Sunday: church. Cleaning my room. Damy! then Jason. then Hollie and then evan!!! :) Tofu Festival alllllllllll the live long day with Steven and Charity. JACCC plaza-running. Dinner in Chinatown. Long day. :)

Pictures later. Maybe. :)

SCHOOL'S OUT! =D

My 10 day summer vacation has begun. *woot*

Bonfire tonight, anyone want to go, give me a call! :) It won't be the swankiest party of the year, nor will it even be a big one -- but it'll be nice and cozy and i promise s'mores! :)

I hear the *roar* of Damy's car outside -- time to go! I really luv the sound of that car -- makes me all happy and giddy. I luv Damy even more :)

breathe. go....

Final paper for 520 is done. HELL YES, babie!

Now 503 final is due Friday. (@_@) Breathe a little and go, that's life around here.

MICHAEL BUBLE CONCERT ON SATURDAY *SWOOOOOOOOON* I'M SO EXCITED!!!