Since my high blood pressure was brought to my attention I've been paying attention to eating more fish, decreasing sodium in my diet, and just being healthier overall. It pains me to think that at 26, my heart is dealing with problems I shouldn't even be concerned with until my 40's. I know I'm not the healthiest person on the block, but I'm certainly not 100% careless with my health, either, so what gives?

One of my friends at work said that her husband was diagnosed with similar conditions last year and his doctor told him a lot of it came from stress. Now that is something I can definitely relate to. Not that I should be in a lot of stress, because my life is fairly care-free, but I think, for some reason, I put a lot of unnecessary stress on myself.

I think probably since high school I've always been the type to stress out about doing more, doing better, being everything and doing it perfectly. At work I take on extra responsibilities and stress about them, because I feel like I need to be the perfect teacher. At home I obsess about organizing and cleaning and keeping on top of housekeeping and chores. It's like my life is a never-ending run on a treadmill and I never seem to go fast enough.

Ironically, my e-mail from Martha Stewart this morning was to evaluate my stress levels and assess what relaxes me. And it made me realize, I always feel "on." I honestly feel varying levels of intensity in my heart at all times -- my mind is always thinking about what to do next, be it buying a house, organizing my stuff, doing things for work, making dinner, what have you. All day long my mind is racing and my blood is pulsing about something else I have to do.

Mind you, I am constantly telling myself that my life doesn't have a deadline. I am constantly telling myself that it doesn't matter, that I need to calm down and relax and just.not.care. Somehow, though, I haven't found the way to internalize what my brain is telling me.

Today was just one of those days that I was really wanting to stay home, curl up on the sofa, and watch a movie. I haven't been feeling well the past few days after fighting off a bout with what I suspect was the stomach flu, and with the weather being so rainy and cold for so long it was nice just to rest, relax, and be lazy. I guess I wasted the one good day of sunshine that we finally had, but it was still so cold I doubt I would've enjoyed it anyway.

I knew that switching to third grade this year would be a challenge, but I was determined to rise to the occasion. Since I first found out about my switch I started researching, lesson planning, observing others, and just doing my best to get my act together. And yet, here I find myself more than half-way through the year and I feel like an utter failure.

I know I shouldn't be a Debby Downer but it's just been a tough week at work. I feel like I give it my all, I have sound reasons for making the decisions I do, and yet, in the end, my scores are the.worst. I am the bottom of the barrel, and I am NEVER bottom of the barrel.

I love teaching, I truly do -- the sense of accomplishment I share with my students when they make a break-through in their learning is SUCH an amazing feeling and is absolutely the reason that I do this. But when that learning doesn't show itself in the standardized testing we do, it makes me wonder if I'm doing the right things for the right people. It's so disheartening to know that despite all my efforts, my students are still not considered up to par.

I need to get out of this funk. :|

Weekend Roundup

Friday:
- stayed after school for just a while to get some work done, then hurried back home to get ready for a girls' night out with Kim
- picked her up from downtown and hit up Happy Hour @ Daily Grill -- YUM! We pigged our little piggy hearts out and I even imbibed - B52 on the rocks. Double yum!
- took advantage of the Daily Grill's limo shuttle to the Ahmanson
- saw a fantaaastic performance of Mary Poppins!

It was a really really great show -- I'm glad it didn't stink. Beautiful voices, great choreography, and wonderful company! :)

Saturday:
- slept in...so nice after a full week of work!
- ran some errands
- 1 month party for baby K -- lots of nom nom food and fun-ness with our friends
- played games and imbibed a bit TOO much later that night....ended up with awful awful shortness of breath and pain in my chest (which I later found out was an asthma attack)

Sunday:
- woke up feeling awful, still wheezing, still having trouble breathing
- slept almost all day and tried to shake it...when I couldn't went to Urgent Care
- found out I had asthma (not a surprise), got put on steroids (a BIG surprise), and have an appointment in two weeks to see the doctor


Kind of a stinky end to the weekend, but one of my goals was to be healthy, so I'm hoping this will help turn it around. I've been noticing lately that I've had lots of difficulty breathing, particularly during sickness, physical activity (almost DIED when I went running last week), and *ahem* drinking. Boo on wine, but YAY that I can breathe again!!

Peace and Quiet

I found myself with an unexpected free night tonight, and with Damon gone to basketball I suddenly found myself alone for a substantial amount of time -- for the first time in a long while, I realized, and completely alone with my thoughts. Of course, there are times of the day when I'm alone but I am always driven by something to do. When I get home from work, for example, there are a couple of hours that I am by myself, but I'm always rushing and focused to get dinner made, to clean, or to finish work from school. Tonight was the first night in a while that I didn't feel rushed or overwhelmed by something more -- instead I was left with the quiet of the house and my thoughts.

It made me realize how little time I take to stop and just "be." I think that's something I'll have to do for myself every so often -- it was a nice recharge to just sit back and enjoy the quiet tonight, even if it was just for an hour or too. I'd much rather have Damon by my side, after all. :)

Resolution #1

I told myself I'd get healthy LAST YEAR. No dice. I have been steadily gaining wait for YEARS now and I'm really starting to feel it. This year I am working on an increase in exercise, healthier eating habits, and making better choices. So far I'm doing ok but I'll have to see how it goes in a month or so....

New Outlook?

I was going to go to school last week but didn't because I was too busy getting ready for New Years, meeting up with friends, and enjoying the holidays. I woke up this morning with the intention of going to school, but didn't because I was enjoying just being at home with Damon -- sleeping in, eating a late breakfast, getting ready for the day. Instead I stayed home, cleaned up the kitchen, put away and re-organized all of our Christmas decor, and concentrated on beginning the new year fresh, clean and put away just-so.

I'm finding lately that I'm not putting as much of myself into my work. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but perhaps this year will be a new outlook -- placing importance on what is going on at home over what I do at school. Does this make me a bad person? Bad work ethic? I don't know...and I'm not quite sure that I like it just yet. I have to find a way to achieve that balance.

あけましておめでとうございます!

Low key NYE with good friends (more than expected)!, board games, yummy food, and GOOD NEWS!

I <3 that 2010 is starting with such happiness. Today is the first of 365 more good days, I hope!