<3

princesscaritas (10:43:31 AM): aww
princesscaritas (10:43:42 AM): we don't get to see you hopping around in christmas socks singing christmas songs :-(

I feel so loved!!! :)

Thankful..

Happy Thanksgiving, all. No matter what you are doing today, I hope that you all have something to be thankful for.

I know I do.

I am thankful that I have a chance to wake up every day and learn. I am thankful that God has given me the chance to LIVE and make a difference. I have been blessed with parents that provide, a mind that thinks and an environment in which to flourish. I am so thankful to be in a school that I love, surrounded by friends that support me and share in my love of learning and teaching.


I am thankful for Jen, who lets me know that it's okay to be idealistic.
I am thankful for Caroline, who makes me feel important.
I am thankful for Beatriz, who teaches me how to have fun.
I am thankful for Serena, who always has a smile on her face.
I am thankful for Charity, who can always engage in "intellectual" conversation.
I am thankful for Jason, who always manages to make me laugh and who's sincerity is something that I can strive for in my own life.
I am thankful for Hollie, for her never-ending friendship and for her heart that always seems to understand mine.
And I am thankful for Damon, for giving me the gift of love that I never thought I'd find, for showing me respect that I don't always show myself, for sharing his life, his time, and his energy.

Obviously I have more people to be thankful for but for now I am most thankful that I have a bed to sleep in and a pillow to put my tired head on. : )

Stuck in a rut.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm stuck in a very deep rut over my weight. More specifically, my weight and what that means to my mother. Moving out has become an even greater priority for me, if only because it's really becoming painful to stay at home and have my mom criticize. She's crazy. Seriously. She just walked WAY.OVER.THE.LINE. today to the point that I can't even bother to defend her in my head.

It's funny...I was thinking about it today and I don't think I've ever really had a good relationship with my mom. Lately our relationship has been...tolerable. In high school it was insanely bad -- fights and screaming and yelling and crying every day, all day, that didn't let up until I moved out to the dorms for college. Even when I was younger, I remember fighting wiith her and feeling so horrible by the things that she said. My old diaries from that age contained pages upon pages of complaints about my mom. I remember one day, after a particularly rough argument, I wrote "I think I only love my mom because I have to...because she's my mom." And I felt really guilty writing that. Even now, I feel guilty because I think that statement is still true, to some extent.

It makes me think that the deep hurt and anger that I feel about all her crap lately goes much deeper than just what she's saying about my weight. I think it's a testament to our relationship overall and not just her perception of me. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. The things she says....they hurt me very deeply.

It's hard...I guess because I know that what she says to me is true, but I'm just so hurt that she says it so bluntly and at such bad times. I guess it's just that...I already think the worst things about myself...and to have my parents repeat those things, when really they should be the last people on earth to vocalize it...it's very difficult to deal with. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous.

Regardless...I have to get my ass moving and lose a few pounds and shut my momma up!

Quick Break

I'm working on final projects tonight. It's going to be a short night though since I have to get up early and do some observations at Eastmont tomorrow. I thought this was funny, Charity had it on her Xanga so I thought I'd take a quick break and try it. You should try it, too! :)

Go to google and type: "[Your Name] needs". List your top results. Here are mine :)

1. [what] Sara needs to do to succeed.
2. Sara needs a loving, playful, home.
3. Sara needs a job. (HAHA TOO TRUE!)
4. Sara needs you. (AWWW)
5. Sara needs your vote! (TO BE QUEEN OF THE WORLD!)
6. Sara needs to access both projects Foo and Bar.
7. Sara needs...a cold shower. (WTF!)
8. Sara needs a Caesarean Section. (ER?!?)


Hahaha. There are TOO FUNNY. According to Charity's rules you're only supposed to put the top 5 but I just thought some of them were too funny to leave out. Especially the last two!

Okay, okay, back to work....

Interview

I have my interview in just a little over 2 hours. I am SO SCARED. Seriously, I was thinking about it last night and hearing from the others how bad it was and I almost threw up. OMG.

My dad wants to know why I'm so nervous. Because it's practicaly a mini-oral defense, that's why! I feel like I'm being thrown to the wolves. Ya'll, if I can't do this interview I don't know how I'm going to do if and when I go for my Ed.D.

Agh. There's no reason for me to be nervous, really. Except for the fact that I am such a scaredy cat. But other than that I will be fine....right?

Ya'll...I know that our society doesn't place as much value on Veteran's Day as it used to....but please take a moment today to remember those men and women who have given the ultimate sacrifice to make this great nation our home.

the eye of the storm

Well, one paper and half of my assessments are done. Next week I have my interview, which means this weekend I really want to work on my writing prompt, update my web portfolio and get my other assignment done before Thursday. I guess I have a really busy week ahead, though I just realized it.

It's weird. I'm really busy, but then I'm not. I mean there have been times during undergrad that I was way more stressed out by little things. I wonder if I'm starting to manage stress better? I'm not as high strung or worried about getting things done anymore. I guess I'm a little more secure with my academic self and I don't have to fret. Or maybe I'm just out of my mind. :P

I've got tomorrow off of work for Veteran's Day -- yee ha! I can clean up my room and start preparing for my interview next week. Really have to get ready for that I think it's going to be quite grueling. It'll be nice not to have to get up and go to work, though. I'm really starting to not like that very much. I don't know if it's actually work that's the problem or just me being lazy, though.

I have to do something and I'm scared to do it. I'm too chicken. Gahh....

when bored, blog!

I'm bored. And as HoHo noted, it's been a while since I updated. So here goes...a nice long overly verbose entry that won't have much significance to anyone, not even me. :P

School has been...surprisingly low-key. So has work. I'm not too stressed out -- yet. I guess it's the calm before the storm, so to speak. Although this month really is the month to fear -- all but one of my classes is having finals/papers/final projects due this month, plus I've got my interviews this month as well. I have to prepare for that. Whoa, I have a writing prompt for that I just remembered. Haha.

I'm really excited for Thanksgiving, and again for winter break. I really want a vacation. I want to do something fun, something different. I really want to go somewhere, but I have no money. =X I dunno...I guess I want the whole romance thing -- iceskating and holding hands, hot chocolate and a carriage taking you through the snow, kissing under mistletoe and opening presents next to the chestnuts roasting on the open fire. :) haha...I love Christmas. I guess I want some "magic" too...

The past couple of weeks have been sort of rough. I don't know if it's hormones or what, but it's been really tough to get up in the morning and plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend that everything is okay when I feel so torn up inside. I especially cannot look in the mirror. I feel guilty when I eat. I really make myself sick. And being at home does not help. My parents do not make me feel any better. Makes me want to move out in a whole entirely different way. Regardless, though it's difficult because I can't really pinpoint why I feel this way. It's dumb, really. Just typical girly poopiness I suppose. I'm finding myself to be very envious of other people lately. Other girls who have what I want, my friends who're so successful, people I graduated with who have gone so far -- while I'm too stupid, too chicken or just not able to attain the same. I don't know...maybe this is like a pre-mid-life-crisis? Like maybe I just have to do something really drastic to validate myself. I onno. I just feel so grounded. I'm stuck in a rut. I don't try to go far because I settle for what's here. If that even makes sense.

My house is freezing. That's another reason I didn't want to come home -- winter. For real, my hands are like ice and if it gets any colder I'm going to be able to see my breath again. I complained to my parents that we need to get new insulation or new windows or something and they said they would if they hadn't blown all the money on my tuition the last four years.

Thanks.

:(

come home to dinner...

I feel like every time I sit down to dinner with my parents, I'm sitting down to a big long lecture. Five bites into my meal I'm in tears. It makes me sick. It makes my food rise up in my throat screaming to get out. My stomach turns sour. But I'm HUNGRY damn it.

I've gained a lot of weight lately, I know it. Every morning I wake up and look in the mirror and it ruins my day. I know I'm fat. I don't need them to tell me. I don't need them to tell me while I eat that I shouldn't be eating.

It really hurts that they tell me that...I guess because it reinforces what I'm telling myself every day. And I know I need to change but I don't know...it's so hard. I just don't have the motivation, really. And I can't help that I get hungry. I just am! I need help. :(

My new toy...Kelly, I have succumbed to the powers of the mac.... :)